Parental abuse: the family remains the front line

EDITOR’S NOTE: Parental Abuse the most SHAMEFUL domestic crime of all!

Source: Straits Times, 30 June 2009

THERE has been a growing number of cases where children have abused their parents physically. Some have involved perpetrators still in their teens. The assault of parents – the very people who gave life, love and sustenance to their children – ranks among the lowest of the low. All religions condemn it. One only has to recall the biblical proverb – He who mocketh his father, the ravens shall pick out his eye – to get a sense of the heinousness of the crime.

Alas, there remains much ingrained inertia against the reporting of such crimes. A poll done in 2007 notes that many Singaporeans still regard family violence as a private matter. Society in general remains fairly apathetic to family violence. Understandably, parents who report cases of abuse not only shame their own offspring, but also place their own parenting skills – and reputation – at stake.

There are other mitigating factors. It could also be argued, for example, that the shrinking size of families has placed a heavy burden on working adults – the ’sandwiched generation’ who have to support both their elderly parents as well as their own children.

Notwithstanding, cases of parental assault cannot be tolerated. They should be brought to light, so that the authorities – and the long arm of law – can deal with the perpetrators. The question here is how much the law can actually do. If the endgame is the restoration of familial harmony, the adversarial, trial-based approach may not constitute a silver bullet.

More holistic and multi-disciplinary approaches are needed, some family lawyers and social workers suggest. For example, children under 16 who abuse their parents could be made to spend some time away, so that they can fully appreciate the benefits that accrue from living with their folks. Mediation, assisted by the Family Court, is also helpful. Recently, Minister in the Prime Minister’s Office Lim Boon Heng said that legislative changes may be effected so that third parties – not just parents – can invoke the Maintenance of Parents Act. This is definitely welcome.

Parental abuse also embodies something more than mere physical abuse. In economic downturns, struggling couples with young children might also neglect the needs of their parents, including their medical and basic needs. That said, the law cannot legislate love. As Mr Lim has noted, there is a need to do more to emphasise the importance of filial piety. The family remains the first line of love, and no resources should be spared to ensure its proper functioning. With the stresses of modern living and the current slew of crises afflicting Singapore and the world, there is no better time to reaffirm family ties.

When children hit their parents

Source: Straits Times, 29 June 2009

By Carolyn Quek

ANNOYED that his mother was nagging at his young niece for refusing a bowl of hot porridge, Hong Kia Cheng, 47, threw a wooden dining chair at the 67-year-old woman.

Another man, Koh Kim Swee, 22, was so frustrated by his mother’s nagging that he whacked her on the head with a hammer in their Jurong East flat.

Then there was Tan Su Ann, 39, who also took a hammer to her 79-year-old father after he tried to stop her from shouting at their maid.

All three adult children were jailed between four months and two years last year for hurting their parents.

Last week, a young man who kicked his 82-year-old grandmother and threatened his father with a chopper was jailed for nine weeks. On both occasions, Seow Kok Hock, 25, lashed out because he had been refused money.

More cases of parental abuse are now surfacing as mothers and fathers decide the family should not suffer in silence.

Of the 720 youths referred to the Singapore Children’s Society last year because they were beyond parental control, almost half had been violent towards their parents. In 2007, they made up 35 per cent of such cases, said Dr Carol Balhetchet, director of youth services of the society.

Ms Sheena Jebal, founder of Nulife Care and Counselling Services, said her centre saw 40 cases of teenage children abusing their parents last year, more than double the 17 in 2007.

‘There is now greater awareness about the issue and so parents are seeing counselling as less of a taboo and are seeking help,’ Ms Jebal said.

While most cases are resolved at family service centres, a handful land up in court.

In the last year and a half, there have been at least five court cases involving children who hit their parents, usually over money.

Seow pushed his grandmother and kicked her because she had rebuffed his request for a $700 loan to pay off his gambling debt. She finally fled the apartment.

Counsellors say most victims are mothers, but confrontations between fathers and sons can be explosive.

One 69-year-old man needed seven stitches after his son smashed a ceramic flower pot over his head at their Toa Payoh flat.

The father told The Straits Times his 30-something son had been in and out of jail on drug offences and would hound the family for money to feed his habit.

When he did not get his way, he would turn violent, once even slashing his father with a knife.

The argument ending with the flower pot being thrown started because his father would not let him take $30 from his mother.

‘Blood was streaming down my face and I felt dizzy,’ the man recalled.

Seeing his father all bloodied and disoriented did not stop the son from throwing another flower pot at him.

He now wants to cut all ties. ‘We’ve had enough… he’s not my son anymore,’ the father said.

The case has been referred to court.

Counsellors say that adult children who resort to violence often have experienced or witnessed it themselves when they were young.

Dr Balhetchet recalls counselling a 14-year-old girl who had been repeatedly hit by her mother with a bamboo pole. ‘One day, she retaliated and hit her mother back.’

On the flipside, parents who are too permissive may end up getting abused when their children, even as adults, do not get their way.

Also, violent arguments are not always over money. Both Ms Jebal and Dr Balhetchet are seeing more teenagers who hit out at their parents for not letting them use the computer.

Ms Jebal had a 17-year-old student who hurled abuse at his parents and smashed his laptop on the floor after they ‘locked’ his computer with a password. The teen is now undergoing anger management counselling at her centre.

Social workers say there are still cases of parental abuse which go unreported because of embarrassment or fear of getting the children into big trouble.

But Mrs Seah Kheng Yeow, senior social worker at the Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence, stressed that violence against parents should not be condoned. ‘Whatever the cause, there is no reason to act out the violence. Alternative ways should be sought to work out the differences.’

carolynq@sph.com.sg